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Beer Scooter

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The mysterious mode of transport that gets you home after an absolute bender of an evening even though you have no idea how it was done.

No sober person has ever seen a beer scooter but we all know of drunken mates who vanished from the pub only to appear home even though they are so rat-arrsed they have no idea who they are or where they live.

It is believed that all a drunks details are stored on a mystical database that only gets updated every 6 months and that the beer scooter gets its destination from this database. This is why sometimes after a serious trousering you find yourself outside an Ex's house or your parents home even though you don't live there any more.

Not to be confused with my drunken boss's purchase of a scooter in a pub for £5.00 He fell off repeatedly as he tried to get home on it. Giving up, he went into another pub, sold the scooter for a tenner which he used to pay for the taxi that took him home.

See also Beer Coat, Beer Goggles and Kebab Compass

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night’s drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: -

1/ The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

2/ The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'

3/ Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your head.

4/ An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals is such that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add-on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately, one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often, the lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

5/ Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tiptoe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house, and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

6/ Don’t forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

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