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East Midlands Crawl

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On Saturday 27th May 2006 it was decided that a group of Arrsers should gather in the town of chesterfield. Why this was decided nobody knows but in the weeks before Rincewind and Blessed Baby Cakes seemed to spend a lot of time telling people that it would be a very good idea. A lot of time and effort went into planning this event and a full and professional admin instruction complete with map and directions was produced. Unfortunatly both the map and directions were to completely diferent places and neither of which were where the crawl was meeting. So after asking local bin men, tramps, dogs, old men and shopkeepers the TA/Sea cadet centre was located and a very smart looking man in a naval uniform was told off for producing a map that lead to the middle of a council estate 2 miles away.


Slowly but surely people started to gather, IrishDoris was so eager in fact she turned up the day before and sat outside the cadet hut like a excited puppy. Once enough people had arrived the days entertainment started with a shouting competition as certain people had got overexcited waiting for the T shirts to arrive and once they did they just didnt have the manners to wait for Beebs to dish them out. After being told off for helping themselves the skulked away quietly and started the real entertainment, The shooting comp. After what can honestly be descried as some of the worst shooting ever produced a winner was finally decided. The Kurgen was declared the winner for the proffessionals (people who know what end of the rifle the bullet comes out) and TOPCAT007 was declared the winner for the amatures. Some questions were raised as to how a bloke who brought his own rifle could be deemed an amature but these were quickly solved that while he might have been clever enough to bring his own rifle he was also stupid enough to think he required a telescopic sight on a 6 meter range.


While the shooting was coming to an end Rincewind did his best Mr Benn impression and swapped from his lovely sailor suit into a nice chefs costume and fired up the BBQ. Having not had the foresight to pre order ther alcohol at a discounted rate Jest265, BossyBoots, TinkyWinky and Tigerbaby had dissapeared to Tescos. Their absense was only noticed once beebs started asking where her breast pads were and it was realised they had been gone over an hour. After getting in contact with them the excuse of the car over heated was quickly seen through as it was clear that they had decided to overcome rincewinds drinking ban while the shooting was on by sitting on the kerb round the corner and getting through half a crate of stella while they "waited for the engine to cool down". Upon their arrival they were shocked to learn that the drinking had been taking place while they were away anyway and all that was left of the BBQ was a unhealthily large amount of salad that seemed to go untouched. During their time away the highlight had to be the arrival of without doubt the worst dressed man to ever attend a crawl. Striking a stunning resemblance to a Geography teacher circa 1987 Antphilip was sporting a lovely light blue shirt and cream chinos. This earned him the title of OC for the rest of the evening. Unfortunatly after a short while Liz the nurse and Dale the snail Cracked and decided to remove his clothes by force and replace them with normal attire. Buckling under the pressure Antphillip went to change into his crawl t shirt and some nice fashionable jeans. This attempt at blending with the youth of today was foiled by his insistence on keeping his brown brogues on. There's just no helping some people.


After the food had been consumed and everyone was showered Mother superior and the sherrif (Beebs and rincey) nominated their coppers and vicars for the evening and instructed the police to handcuff themsleves to a vicar of the opposite sex. This concept appeared to be lost on Papa Lazaroo who not only handcuffed himself to another copper but to one of the same sex. Something you want to get off your chest there Papa? It was now time for the crawl to start officially. And after a brisk walk we arrived at the first pub. Not part of the Brampton Mile itself this was deemed a warm up pub. As the clientel in this establishment grew from four to about 28 in the space of a few minutes the locasl were sat wondering who exactly this bunch of idiots handcuffed to each other were. Quickly friends were made by dale who shouted chav at the nearest thing in a baseball cap and the compliment was returned with some very very dirty looks. The group then made their way on the brisk 100m walk to the first pub on the mile.


20 minutes later the group arrived at a much busier pub still filled with the same strange looks and proceded to continue the drinking while deciding that when it comes to naval navigation there's a bloody good reason why rincewind is a chef. Once again Dale made herself kown to the locals in the way that only she could and handcuffed herself to complete strangers. The next pub brought the speed drinking round. This involved geting into the pub, ordering and drinking a drink and getting outside and being the first to be handcuffed to a member of the oposite denomination of the opposite sex. The round was easily won by TheBull140 who managed to complete the task while the majority of the crawl were still sood outside wondering if this was the actual pub in question. The next venue was not only lucky enough to be graced by the arrse crawl but had it's own celeb in residence. Quickly spotted by Liz the nurse who in the subtle and tactful way that only she could decided to scream at the top of her voice "It's Roy Orbison". The Roy in question was actually infact a 8o year old local alled Hilda but it still didnt stop the crawl breaking into a nice rendition of Pretty Woman.


The singing was married on into the next pub, much to the distain of the locals. Also some of the ladies (Jest i'm looking at you, and saying lady very very loosely) decided that the flowers around the pub would look better in peoples hair. These events did not please the locals who complained and rincey, being the sober and responsible one advised Bully to calm down the singing and swearing. Bully being the drunk and irresponsible one decided this was his queue to break into Tenacious D, Fuck Her Gently. The crawl was very quickly led outside at this point. However 2 members of the group (Liz and Dale) had blended in by continuing their tradition of old person harrasment. However i'm not sure the elderly couple in the corner quite appreciated their attention.

At the next location (all the way over the road) it became apparant that one member of the group was becoming worse for wear. A very very drunk poppy had to be led by rincey and Antphillip to get some nutritional goodness in the form of a bag of chips. I think she should have ate more salad before the crawl started. It was inevitable at ome point on the crawl somebody would fall victim to the wedgie from hell. It was initially thought that this would be Bennet due to him being a closet ginger however LinemanLoz took the prize and was very quickly being hoisted up by his pants by bully. Once again though the sober fun police put a stop to this and beebs told bully to put him down as he, AntPhilip and Papa Lazaroo were leaving the crawl in the search of ladies. The next venue brought joy to many people involved as it was a fine venue which served Wobbly on tap. It was here however that the first casuality was taken and Poppy had to be returned to the accomodation as she was cleraly unable of supporting herself in a upright position and worse still when she sat down she kept spilling her drink.


The Time was getting late And having only completed 6 pubs out of 18 the group moved to the next venue and decided as they had a DJ they decided to remain in location for the duration. This brought more chaos and mayhem. Most of which is a complete blur however what does stand out is Tigerbaby getting pushed onto a table and having large amounts of alcohol poured onto her. The culprit for this is uknown but in the true spirit of ARRSE i blame The Kurgen As he was the bioggest bloke there and if it was anybody else he should have done the manly thing and stopped them. Once the pub closed the effects of the BBQ had worn off and Whitenoisebabies was dispatched to find nutritional sustenance. He failed quite miserably in this task and returned with pizza instead. However top marks must be given for continuing the naval theme and finding a pizza shop called popeyes.


Upon returning to the barracks to continue the drinking dale produced a bottle of random german shit that was brought (ny her reqest) by bully. This had the undesired effect of causing fire in the bellys of everyone who drank it. This leads us to wonder if it had anything to do with TinkyWinky sounding like a steam engine while she slept. Special note must be made to the 3 individuals who left the crawl to go in search of ladies who when the rest of the crawl returned were already back in barracks and were looking severely displeased that 3 fine figures of manlyness such as them couldnt even pull in chesterfield.