East Midlands Crawl
On Saturday 27th May 2006 it was decided that a group of Arrsers should gather in the town of chesterfield. Why this was decided nobody knows but in the weeks before Rincewind and Blessed Baby Cakes seemed to spend a lot of time telling people that it would be a very good idea. A lot of time and effort went into planning this event and a full and professional admin instruction complete with map and directions was produced. Unfortunately both the map and directions were to completely different places and neither of which were where the crawl was meeting. So after asking local bin men, tramps, dogs, old men and shopkeepers the TA/Sea cadet centre was located and a very smart looking man in a naval uniform was told off for producing a map that led to the middle of a council estate 2 miles away.
Slowly but surely people started to gather, IrishDoris was so eager in fact she turned up the day before and sat outside the cadet hut like a excited puppy. Once enough people had arrived the days entertainment started with a shouting competition as certain people had got overexcited waiting for the T shirts to arrive and once they did they just didnt have the manners to wait for Beebs to dish them out. After being told off for helping themselves the skulked away quietly and started the real entertainment, The shooting comp. After what can honestly be descried as some of the worst shooting ever produced a winner was finally decided. The Kurgen was declared the winner for the professionals (people who know what end of the rifle the bullet comes out) and TOPCAT007 was declared the winner for the amateures. Some questions were raised as to how a bloke who brought his own rifle could be deemed an amateur but these were quickly solved that while he might have been clever enough to bring his own rifle he was also stupid enough to think he required a telescopic sight on a 6 meter range.
While the shooting was coming to an end Rincewind did his best Mr Benn impression and swapped from his lovely sailor suit into a nice chefs costume and fired up the BBQ. Having not had the foresight to pre order ther alcohol at a discounted rate Jest265, BossyBoots, TinkyWinky and Tigerbaby had disappeared to Tescos. Their absence was only noticed once beebs started asking where her breast pads were and it was realised they had been gone over an hour. After getting in contact with them the excuse of the car over heated was quickly seen through as it was clear that they had decided to overcome rincewinds drinking ban while the shooting was on by sitting on the kerb round the corner and getting through half a crate of Stella while they "waited for the engine to cool down".
Upon their arrival they were shocked to learn that the drinking had been taking place while they were away anyway and all that was left of the BBQ was a unhealthily large amount of salad that seemed to go untouched.
During their time away the highlight had to be the arrival of without doubt the worst dressed man to ever attend a crawl. Striking a stunning resemblance to a Geography teacher circa 1987 Antphilip was sporting a lovely light blue shirt and cream chinos. This earned him the title of OC for the rest of the evening. Unfortunately after a short while Liz the nurse and Dale the snail Cracked and decided to remove his clothes by force and replace them with normal attire. Buckling under the pressure Antphillip went to change into his crawl t shirt and some nice fashionable jeans. This attempt at blending with the youth of today was foiled by his insistence on keeping his brown brogues on. There's just no helping some people.
After the food had been consumed and everyone was showered Mother superior and the sheriff (Beebs and rincey) nominated their coppers and vicars for the evening and instructed the police to handcuff themselves to a vicar of the opposite sex. This concept appeared to be lost on Papa Lazaroo who not only handcuffed himself to another copper but to one of the same sex. Something you want to get off your chest there Papa? It was now time for the crawl to start officially. And after a brisk walk we arrived at the first pub. Not part of the Brampton Mile itself this was deemed a warm up pub. As the clientele in this establishment grew from four to about 28 in the space of a few minutes the locals were sat wondering who exactly this bunch of idiots handcuffed to each other were. Quickly friends were made by Dale who shouted chav at the nearest thing in a baseball cap and the compliment was returned with some very very dirty looks. The group then made their way on the brisk 100m walk to the first pub on the mile.
20 minutes later the group arrived at a much busier pub still filled with the same strange looks and proceeded to continue the drinking while deciding that when it comes to naval navigation there's a bloody good reason why rincewind is a chef. Once again Dale made herself kown to the locals in the way that only she could and handcuffed herself to complete strangers. The next pub brought the speed drinking round. This involved getting into the pub, ordering and drinking a drink and getting outside and being the first to be handcuffed to a member of the opposite denomination of the opposite sex. The round was easily won by TheBull140 who managed to complete the task while the majority of the crawl were still stood outside wondering if this was the actual pub in question. The next venue was not only lucky enough to be graced by the arrse crawl but had it's own celeb in residence. Quickly spotted by Liz the nurse who in the subtle and tactful way that only she could decided to scream at the top of her voice "It's Roy Orbison". The Roy in question was actually in fact a 80 year old local called Hilda but it still didn't stop the crawl breaking into a nice rendition of Pretty Woman.
The singing was carried on into the next pub, much to the distain of the locals. Also some of the ladies (Jest i'm looking at you, and saying lady very very loosely) decided that the flowers around the pub would look better in peoples hair. These events did not please the locals who complained and rincey, being the sober and responsible one advised Bully to calm down the singing and swearing. Bully being the drunk and irresponsible one decided this was his queue to break into Tenacious D, Fuck Her Gently. The crawl was very quickly led outside at this point. However 2 members of the group (Liz and Dale) had blended in by continuing their tradition of old person harrasment. However i'm not sure the elderly couple in the corner quite appreciated their attention.
At the next location (all the way over the road) it became apparant that one member of the group was becoming worse for wear. A very very drunk poppy had to be led by rincey and Antphillip to get some nutritional goodness in the form of a bag of chips. I think she should have ate more salad before the crawl started. It was inevitable at ome point on the crawl somebody would fall victim to the wedgie from hell. It was initially thought that this would be Bennet due to him being a closet ginger however linemanloz took the prize and was very quickly being hoisted up by his pants by bully. Once again though the sober fun police put a stop to this and beebs told bully to put him down as he, AntPhilip and Papa Lazaroo were leaving the crawl in the search of ladies. The next venue brought joy to many people involved as it was a fine venue which served Wobbly on tap. It was here however that the first casuality was taken and Poppy had to be returned to the accomodation as she was cleraly unable of supporting herself in a upright position and worse still when she sat down she kept spilling her drink.
The Time was getting late And having only completed 6 pubs out of 18 the group moved to the next venue and decided as they had a DJ they decided to remain in location for the duration. This brought more chaos and mayhem. Most of which is a complete blur however what does stand out is Tigerbaby getting pushed onto a table and having large amounts of alcohol poured onto her. The culprit for this is uknown but in the true spirit of ARRSE i blame The Kurgen As he was the bioggest bloke there and if it was anybody else he should have done the manly thing and stopped them. Once the pub closed the effects of the BBQ had worn off and Whitenoisebabies was dispatched to find nutritional sustenance. He failed quite miserably in this task and returned with pizza instead. However top marks must be given for continuing the naval theme and finding a pizza shop called popeyes.
Gillylady Thanks for picking me up and depositing me on the bar Kurgen, I was told off by the staff rather sternly!
Upon returning to the barracks to continue the drinking dale produced a bottle of random german shit that was brought (by her request) by bully. This had the undesired effect of causing fire in the bellys of everyone who drank it. This leads us to wonder if it had anything to do with TinkyWinky sounding like a steam engine while she slept. Special note must be made to the 3 individuals who left the crawl to go in search of ladies who when the rest of the crawl returned were already back in barracks and were looking severely displeased that 3 fine figures of manlyness such as them couldnt even pull in chesterfield.
Edited to add: It was Ghostrider doing all the singing, and he didn't care....... You lot never touched my german Gutrot, me and Tigger had that the day after. It was the Southern Comfort that did you all in. I was in bed by that time, trying to physically remove bennett from the girl's room.
PTP slept through the fire alarm, and me ringing a bell 5 foot from his head (while he was power wa nking). Tigger was dragged into the bushes by Kurgen for a lag. I was embarrassed by the whole thing.
PTP categorically denies power wa nking , as it's a scurrilous slur and he was either thinking about future Doctors or giving Angelina another portion if he was auto-self abusing (Which he wasn't). He had also drunk rather a lot of Gold Top Wobbly in the company of Ghostie whch was nice , which meant he slept through Slug trying to wake him up to give her a good-bye crippler. PTP remembers very little apart from that nice GillyLady driving him back to the Brumopolis in her Suicide Chariot , and looking at her rather good legs to take his mind off the thought of dying in a fireball on the M1. NB PTP also strenuously denies asking any barmaids for any numbers , leggy as she was.
From Mother Superior Beebs of the Blessed W*nk Sock.....
Bless you my childrenâ€¦.. You appear to have forgotten to mention the effort put in by one member who had the â€˜twistâ€™ move to place both his hands on his backside. Easy enough! Not while handcuffed to another member with the instruction to place both her hands on the floor.
Staying on â€˜twistâ€™ did anyone notice Irish Doris changing her rather innocent â€˜twistâ€™ for one that required placing her head between a member of the opposite sexes knees? No? No, me either!
Dale never drank anything back at the TA Barracks, she was tucked up in bed after being taken back the whole 500 meters by taxi! Bennett did try to carry her, his head was chewed off and he nearly dropped her on her headâ€¦.. Phew, just as well it was a soft part of her body! (Please note this crawl Dale didnâ€™t need hospital treatment, which makes was a raving success on a personal level!!!)
â€˜Shinglesâ€™ Liz brought her own wee special feeling of love with her, which it seems sheâ€™s passed on to me and I in turn to my son. We have Chicken Pox, thanks ya manky b*stard!
No sex scandals occurred that Iâ€™ll be talking about, although TNOTW know where we are so if they name a price and drop me a PMâ€¦. ;)
Thanks for a great evening; next one in Chesterfield involves naked tits and no spilt ARRSEâ€™s I hearâ€¦â€¦.
PS Bully if that range was 6 meters no wonder you think youâ€™re okay mate!!!!
And stolen from Rincewinds postâ€¦..
â€œHereâ€™s the break down for those too drunk to remember...
Practise pub - "The Unicorn" - that lass setting up the disco bent over to talk to us and her chebs were on full display ;)
Start pub - "The Star" - Dale cuffed herself to random locals
The Peacock (speed round)
The Queen Victoria - we met (BBC and traumatised) Hilda
The Britannia - the locals were not amused with the singing skills offered up led by the bull.
The Rose n Crown - Poppy stepped out for some chips fetched by myself and Tim nice but dim
The Brampton Ale House - Wahoo - wobbly on tap
The Brampton Mile - we dug in - time was running out (BBC midnight! Iâ€™ll say weak, weak, weak people!)...and it had a disco
OK so 7 "mile" pubs - next time we will have to manage more speed rounds.â€
Bossyboots would like to contribute some public health information as a forewarning to anyone considering a future crawl to which Tinky_Winky may attend. Upon congregating at the crawl, Tinky decided that she simply must visit Tesco's, so myself, Tinky, Tigerbabe and Jest decided this was an absolutely spanking idea and leapt into her car. All went well, i hopped and shuffled, while Tigerbabe and Jest argued over the lager and Tinky ambled off in search of a bottle opener. Back in the car....the fun began. On the drive back to the meeting place, Tinkys car decided that it would overheat, so we ended up parking down a side street ( and not a very nice one) on the corner of a busy dual carriageway. To our right, there was a row of delapidated houses and to our left a poster of martin Kemp beggin us to buy a sofa. Now, ladies being ever resourceful, we popped the bonnet, then popped the lager Imagine the scene if you will...Four ladies stood on a street corner, suppin lager and having a fag. Passers by in cars looked at us with suspicion but we cared not. Things degenerated when i took a phone call from another Arrser who asked for breast pads and white wine!! ( you know who you are Beebs ) Eventually, the car stopped steaming and we made our way back. The crawl went well, and everyone went to bed drunkenly happy, however....... Tinky had decided to claim floor space next to me and at 05.30 i was awoken by a sound resembling a pneumatic drill in the blitz Trying to work out exactly what the noise was through a southern comfort fuelled daze, i realised that the floor, which was concrete was vibrating, the windows were rattling and dogs six streets away were falling over. I located this horrible row to be coming from.....Tinky Who was laid there, fast asleep and completely uncaring of the pain she was inflicting. I covered my head with my pillow, which was actually a rolled up bath towel and eventually Tinky vibrated herself so much, she rolled on top of me. At that point i gave it up, got dressed and went in search of coffee So ladies and gentlemen, if your ever considering sharing sleeping space with Tinky, take note and make sure you put blue tac in your ears before covering them with industrial ear muffs As previously mentioned Tinky is a lovely lady, but hell her snoring scars you for life !!
tigerbaby's addition - You're lucky Jest265 only took the flowers that she did, she cornered me in the toilets and tried to convince me that the potted plants could easily fit under our shirts. We spent the next 10 mins debating on this, her saying it could be done, me saying not a chance in hell - they were too big. This was only resolved when we were interrupted by someone telling us we were about to leave.
From what I can remember of the last pub - dancing to the YMCA with my adopted uniform for the night (shades and a police helmet with flowers on it), lots of drink spillages (mainly on me you buggers... I know who you are... The Kurgen bloody innocent of it my arrse and PTP for making me look like I'd pished myself as an excuse to call over the barmaid for her number), being handcuffed to acp290885 and Healer and trying to figure out how to drink and smoke in time to their random jerks of their arms which they called dancing... I only missed my mouth once :D, I do remember what happened in there apart from that but I can't be bothered typing anymore just now... lucky for you lot! Thanks for a brilliant night out, tiger x.
Antphilips addition- The three heroes who went in search of totty in the centre of chesterfield did not in fact do that badly with numerous photos to back this up. Slander from the bull I say!
Rincewind says: remember - i was the sober one and i know what you did :-) Valiant effort and if i wasnt so knackered (was at work all morning) i would have stayed up and made the young (just 18) staff join in so you could have shown them what the military is all about on the social side. I had a great time and i look forward to seeing you munters again.