Unimportant note: The following entry was written by a very angry person who apparently had nothing better to do - therefore there is a small chance that it may not be entirely unbiased.
At a comparatively early stage in his ARRSE career, FiveAlpha realised that the average intellectual level of other posters on the website left him with no chance at all to even try to make any sort of impression. He also realised that the blunder and bluster he routinely used to impress the primary–school kids around the corner would also not work with the intelligent and seasoned ARRSE veterans and they’d immediately rumble him as a bullshitter and loser. After much head-scratching, lamp-post kicking, dogshit poking, frantic branch-sharpening with his Rambo knife and playing with his favourite train-set, he hit upon the idea of setting himself up as the belligerent website watchdog. He'd read somewhere that the best form of defence is attack. He didn’t actually understand what that meant and it wasn't until his dear mum explained it to him that he decided to use the method himself. All he had to do was to be bullying, aggressive, insulting and abusive towards everyone on ARRSE and (with a bit of luck) no-one would twig that he only had a hopeless IQ of 58 (even though he cheated in the exam). It’s perhaps understandable that he felt entirely inadequate and saw fit to resort to such tactics, considering his early life.
FiveAlpha never had it easy from the offset. His middle-names are Metro Goldwyn Meyer because he was born while his mum was watching a Hollywood comedy at the local flicks. She was laughing so much that she didn’t notice poor old FiveAlpha slip out and land on the floor. That was the first of many occasions when he was dropped on his head - which could explain his slow development and lack of intelligence. On the other hand, it could have had no influence at all and he’s just a natural-born thickie.
To save herself a bit of cash, his dear mum told FiveAlpha that he was born on 30 February. It took him until he was eight years old to figure out why he never got any birthday presents. He craftily altered the date on his birth-certificate to 29 February but it took him another six years before he figured out why he only got birthday presents every four years. He’d long accepted that he never received any Christmas presents, because his mum had told him at a young age that Father Christmas had unfortunately been killed in a collision with a Boeing 747 over Canterbury long before his birth. Only one reindeer had survived.
FiveAlpha had never known his father and for a while he though his mum was the virgin mary and he was the son of god. However, the long robes and false beard he used to walk around in didn't fool anyone and earned him a regular malletting. Even without the Jebus costume, FiveAlpha was clattered frequently for the improbable fantasy tales he used to tell to big himself up – a habit he continued on ARRSE. He himself didn't think he looked strange at all, but he did wonder why all the folks in the neighbourhood took to carrying wooden crosses and cloves of garlic everywhere they went, and why the held them up every time he passed by. FiveAlpha just thought that they were all a bit eccentric.
Therefore, FiveAlpha geared up his inflated ego and psychotic tendencies and started his “career” on ARRSE. He found it easier to attack those who were new to ARRSE, just as he always attacked vulnerable folks in real life, and many of them decided that the website was not for them because of that.
He became very frustrated when ARRSErs very quickly pegged him as the thickie he was, but using the "attack defence" again, he posted this around the middle of 2009 as a not-so-subtle “warning” to those who refused to take him seriously (which was just about everybody):
“I deliberately put by at least one day a week to trawl through the posts of those who have WRONGED me. ME! THEY WRONGED ME! I currently have a long list of names, addresses, phone numbers and in a few cases regimental numbers of certain individuals. Strangely enough they're mostly of our part-time brethren who are less than subtle in their PERSEC drills.
A few are civilians and in one case, after I PM'd him with his name and town location, he tried to get me banned, citing I'd 'compromised' him and he feared for his safety. Can AI's be compromised?”'''''
Just like all of his other fantasy exploits and tall tales, it wasn’t true because he didn’t have a long list, in fact he had no list at all and, unfortunately, it also didn’t have the desired effect, since ARRSErs still carried on ignoring and dismissing him as a bullying oaf and a thickie. FiveAlpha (aka “Badger Heed” and “StickyToffeePudding”) then decided that he needed to increase his “rufty-tufty” reputation to put folks off attacking him. The only problem was that that didn’t work quite as he wanted either, in spite of his making his attitude clear in many posts, viz:
Posted on the “Cancel the boiled eggs ..." thread (NAAFI BAR), 01-02-2012, 20:53
“I bet wonk mog's giggling like a right cunt right now. I am. I revel in other people's misfortune and the media's ability to spread it far and wide.”
Posted on the same thread, 01-02-2012, 21:22 “I abuse no-marks, Shergar look-a-likes and cunts on the internet. You cunt.”
His frequent bitter complaints to the COs that nobody respected him and took him seriously and he wanted something done about it resulted in the response: "Yes, we can well understand why!” and the suggestion that he change his Username to “FraudOafie. So instead of achieving the “cult status” he so desperately wanted, FiveAlpha is still regarded on ARRSE as a bitter and malignant, bullshitting, vindictive, psychotic cyber-bully. It’s enough to make a man turn to drink.