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Hand to Gland Combat

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The vile practice of masturbation.

Also referred to as:

A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters Auditioning the hand puppet Badgering the witness Banging one out Bashing the Bishop Beating the * out of your best friend Beating the s*** out of your incapacitated midget Beating the snot outta Rotney Beating the snotty end of my * stick Blueball baseball Burping the worm Calling down for more Mayo Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis Caping the crusader Cheating on your other hand Checking the plumbing Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come Cleaning my Gun Cleaning the pipes Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops Committing mass spermicide Decongesting the weasel Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile Doing ones washing by hand Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust Dropping the kids off at the pool Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell Evicting the testicular squatters Firing the presidential staff Fishing for zipper trout Five-finger discount Flogging your dumber brother Foreplay with Fistina Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam) Freeing the hostages Freeing Willy Getting your palm red Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine Giving the seamen shore leave Giving yourself a helping hand Giving yourself a low five Having a play date with your little friend Having a puppet show in your pants Having a staff meeting Hitchhiking under the Big Top Launching the morning missile Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster Making special sauce with frank and beans Making the bald guy cry Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up Making the llama spit Manhandling your man-handle Milking the blue veined yogurt chucker Milking the bull Million sperm march My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny) One-handed workout Opening up a bottle of Squirt Performing diagnostics on your ManTool Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson Playing the stand-up organ Playing with Yoosef Polishing my rocket Polishing the family jewels Polishing the hot rod Polishing the purple people pleaser Practicing for the Big Game Pulling the single serving soup dispenser Rapid one arm pull-ups Releasing the Olympic Doves Riding the Great White Knuckler Romancing the bone Roughing the passer Roughing up the suspect Rubbing the Buddha for good luck Running in single-user mode Running off a batch by hand Sanding the obelisk Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram Shaking hands with your wife's best friend Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk Shaking the hand of the self-employed Shooting tadpoles at the moon Shooting the pump action porridge gun Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man Spackling the ceiling Spending some quality time with yourself Spilling my children on my belly Spit-polishing the purple helmet Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber Taking little Elvis to Graceland Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm Taking your turn at the self-serve pump Target practice with the yogurt gun Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker Tenderizing the tube steak Test-firing the meat missile Testing the hand cream dispenser Trolling for the one-eyed walleye Tube sock tango Warming up the altar boy's dinner White-water wristing Wrapping my hand around my c*** and blowing a load all over my mother Zygote spraying