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Holland

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Small nation in Europe wedged between Belgium, Germany and the North Sea. In the last 100 years, of those 3, only Belgium has not tried to invade Holland.

Bizarrely, for such a laid (joke intended) back country, in the last 500 has had dust ups with the Spanish, French, Germans, Great Britain, Half of Belgium ... and the catholic church.

Some pertinent facts you need to know about Holland...

  • FLAT. Not entirely true! I saw a hill once. It was on the beach... but then again it could have been a fat boxhead sleeping off his beer.
  • Full of clog dancing, dope smokers.
  • Home of Amstel, which is fake Heineken.
  • Home of Grolsch, which is better than Heineken.
  • Easiest place in the world to steal a bike - other than Cambridge... or Oxford.
  • Easiest place in the world (apart from Venice) to accidentally fall in to a canal.
  • Whole streets in the capital Amsterdam seem dedicated to selling young women... or at least renting them on a short term basis.
  • Most sought after job in Amsterdam is a window cleaner (not window licker).
  • Amsterdam is full of Brits who came for a weekend and never made it home.
  • Have a Harry Potter lookalike for Prime Minister.
  • Last country to successfully invade Britain and take over the throne. This was in 1688 during the Glorious Revolution and our Stadhouder William of Orange invaded with a fleet so big that it saluted both Dover and Calais at the same time. He landed in Torbay and marched on London.
  • The South-Eastern part of the country (Northern Limburg and Eastern Brabant) is eerily close to to old RAFG Clutch airfields and some old BAOR barracks. This caused generations of innocent Dutch women to be preyed upon by drunk and disorderly squaddies. We retaliated by offering Thai ladyboys in Amsterdam and watching in delight as terrified Brits headed headlong out of small rooms chased by hysterical Katoi. I personally saw several incidents in which some wideboy RLC loggie swaggered into a 'Peeskamer' and a few minutes later was doing Mach 1 and accelerated towards the Nieuwmarkt chased by pantless ladyboy who wanted to get payed (Limey had evidently grabbed his guilders back off the nightstand...). This was met by hysterical laughter from us (safely across the canal) and his mates who were smoking outside while waiting for their buddy to get some pressure off.