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Lieutenant Colonel

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The rank that allows one to turn seriously odd if you were not that way inclined before. Coincidentally, this rank is achieved at roughly the average age for a mid-life crisis.

Now you can indulge your wildest ideas about Regimental codpieces, nude swimming with the chaps, enforced baptism, stable belts with pullovers and founding your own Scout Troop. Fortunately, the Army in its wisdom issues Units with a Chaplain and a Regimental Medical Officer who can allegedly react to such behaviour.

Almost Lt Col's are rich and upper class, own 3 horses, 2 ponies, 1 Labrador, a Range Rover and have a daughter called Lucinda. Lt Col's spend most of their working day smoking opium, shaving their genitals and watching porn films. Their favourite porn film being Bung Hole Busters.

The remainder are LE Lt Cols, who are generally grizzled and scary, with an awful lot of blackmail stories about the Brigade Commander when he was a subaltern.