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The Hans Christian Andersen of ARRSE, RTFQ has been responsible for more pant-wetting, keyboard and screen splattering, and (for the unfortunate few, or maybe just me) interviews sans coffee with The Boss incidents than any other ARRSE member, with the possible exception of Auld Sapper.

Lauded for bringing the NAAFI to the level intended, his tales of the adventures of RTFQ and 'Little RTFQ' are now legendary: The Saga Of Mary / Michelle The Barmaid; The DPM Thong; Tales from Bosnia; Exercise Adventures; The Time Little RTFQ Didn't Want To Play; Millionaires’ Thursday; The Pre-Joining-Up Tale; RTFQ & Little RTFQ's Cinema Date; The Dance-Off; Op Cocacola 1; & lastly (at the time of going to press) Travel Tales.

I implore RTFQ, (the bastard child of Dave Allen and Barbara Cartland) to embark on a literary career in the not-too-distant future, or at least to hire himself out for weddings, funerals and bar mitzvahs!

Of course, while RTFQ is undeniably the 'Hans Christian Andersen' of Arrse, he is also the 'Eddie the Eagle' of drinking, managing a paltry four or five pints of butch, manly, real ale before completely losing his marbles and surrendering himself to the primeval urges of a large gang of leather-clad, gay tramps, several of whom were humming 'YMCA' as poor RTFQ was ritually deflowered in a rose bed in Hammersmith's picturesque Furnivall Gardens. From his hospital bed, as epidemiologists pumped him full of anti-viral vaccines and strange, appalling experimental drugs, at least one of which had turned his hair a strange shade of ochre, RTFQ professed to remember little of the incident.

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