The British Military Open Encyclopedia - ARRSE-Pedia. Back to British Army Rumour Service Home

Difference between revisions of "Security Industry Authority"

From ARRSEpedia
Jump to: navigation, search
m (np.)
 
 
(12 intermediate revisions by 4 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
 
{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2 style="width:110px; float:right; border-collapse:collapse; margin:0 0 .5em 1em;"
 
{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2 style="width:110px; float:right; border-collapse:collapse; margin:0 0 .5em 1em;"
 
|-
 
|-
| colspan=2 align=center |  
+
| colspan=2 align=center | http://www.info4security.com/Pictures/web/o/x/i/SIA_logo.jpg
http://www.info4security.com/Pictures/web/o/x/i/SIA_logo.jpg
 
 
|-
 
|-
! colspan=2 bgcolor=#0066cc |<font color=white>Money for old rope'</font>  
+
! colspan=2 bgcolor=#0066cc |<font color=white>Money for old rope</font>  
 
|}
 
|}
  
The SIA is a [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-departmental_public_body NDPB] established in 2003 to regulate the security industry, which, to be honest, was (and still is) a total gang fuck. Someone had the brilliant idea of creating an organisation to oversee this free-for-all and also to introduce a license - which had to be purchased (of course) at no small expense by the holder to enable them to work in the 'industry'.  
+
The '''SIA''' is a [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-departmental_public_body NDPB] established in [[2003]] to regulate the security industry, which, to be honest, was (and still is) a total gang fuck. Someone had the brilliant idea of creating an organisation to oversee this free-for-all and also to introduce a license - which had to be purchased (of course) at no small expense by the holder to enable them to work in the 'industry'.  
  
Where once any old mong could waltz in to security work - which, let's face it, is hardly rocket science - now applicants have to do a 'course' which entails being instructed how to be nice and how not to get the shit kicked out of them by being 'non-confrontational'. The successful candidate is then required to submit a sperm sample and a complete family history dating back to [[The Dark Ages]] to enable the awfully nice SIA people in [[Liverpool]] [''Excellent choice of HQ''] to vet them for suitability and to see if they've been naughty and been inn trouble with the [[police]] - an all to the tune of £245 thank you very much. All very nice.
+
Where once any old [[mong]] could waltz in to security work - which, let's face it, is hardly rocket science - now applicants have to do a 'course'. The course entails sitting in a stark 'classroom' (portakabin) on an industrial estate on the outskirts of [[Slough]] for several hours. Accompanied by several other mongs (the majority of whom will be from the [[Nigeria|colonies]]) most of the morning will be taken up trying to figure out how the (knackered) coffee machine works. When the 'instructor' eventually arrives (after being stuck in a tailback on the ring road) you will then be 'instructed' how to be nice and how not to get the shit kicked out of you by being 'non-confrontational'.  
 +
 
 +
The successful candidates are then required to submit a sperm sample and a complete family history dating back to [[The Dark Ages]] to enable the awfully nice SIA people in [[Liverpool]] [''Excellent choice of HQ''] to vet them for suitability and to see if they've been naughty and been in trouble with the [[police]] - and all to the tune of £245, thank you very much. All very nice.  
  
 
{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2 style="width:110px; float:right; border-collapse:collapse; margin:0 0 .5em 1em;"
 
{| border=1 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2 style="width:110px; float:right; border-collapse:collapse; margin:0 0 .5em 1em;"
 
|-
 
|-
 
| colspan=2 align=center |  
 
| colspan=2 align=center |  
http://www.london-site-security.co.uk/images/SIA-ID.jpg
+
http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z237/Cyril_Clunge/siacard.jpg
 
|-
 
|-
! colspan=2 bgcolor=#0066cc |<font color=white>Mr Ahmed's License</font>  
+
! colspan=2 bgcolor=#cc9900 |<font color=white></font>  
 
|}
 
|}
  
After an interminable wait, the license and the very important documents (photocopies not acceptable) that the applicant had sent to verify their credentials are duly dispatched back to the (now legal) security [[mong]] to enable him/her/it to earn a crust. This documentation is sent via unregistered mail and stuffed in to a blatantly obvious package marked '''Security Industry Authority. Important Documents Enclosed'''. This is presumably done to make it easier for [[Nigeria|identity fraudsters]] to steal the documents contained therein - all of which are more than enough to establish a new ID and open bank accounts etc.
+
After an interminable wait, the license and the very important documents (photocopies not acceptable) that the applicant had sent to verify their credentials are duly dispatched back to the (now legal) security [[mong]] to enable him/her/it to earn a crust.  
 +
 
 +
This documentation is (naturally) sent via unregistered mail and stuffed in to a blatantly obvious package marked '''Security Industry Authority. Important Documents Enclosed'''. This is presumably done to make it easier for [[Nigeria|identity fraudsters]] at the [[Royal Mail]] to steal the documents contained therein - all of which are more than enough to establish a new ID and open bank accounts etc.
  
So now everyone is properly vetted, CRB checked, trained  and fully prepared for all eventualities and everyone's happy. It therefore came as a surprise somewhat to learn that the SIA had issued thousands of licenses to illegal immigrants. Quite how it is possible to vet and check someone without a national Insurance Number and an address in Lagos has never been adequately explained, but who gives a shit when the real ''raison d'etre'' of the SIA is money making?
+
So now everyone is properly vetted, [[CRB]] checked, trained  and fully prepared for all eventualities and everyone's happy. It therefore came as a surprise somewhat to learn that the SIA had issued thousands of licenses to illegal immigrants. Quite how it is possible to vet and check someone without a [[National Insurance]] number and an address in Lagos has never been adequately explained [''Is it coz I is black?''], but who gives a shit when the real ''raison d'etre'' of the SIA is money making? And £245 every three fucking years makes it one of the most expensive operating licenses [[Jeremy Clarkson|in the World]]!
  
 
The license categories are:
 
The license categories are:
Line 34: Line 37:
  
 
Currently, licensing is only required by contract security companies' management & their employees. The British government is considering whether to extend this to in-house security officers. Oh you fucking betcha they are. Kerching!
 
Currently, licensing is only required by contract security companies' management & their employees. The British government is considering whether to extend this to in-house security officers. Oh you fucking betcha they are. Kerching!
 +
 +
==External Links==
 +
 +
*[http://www.the-sia.org.uk/home/ SIA]
 +
*[http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=492962&in_page_id=1770 Daily Heil]
  
  
  
 
http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z237/Cyril_Clunge/SIA.jpg
 
http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z237/Cyril_Clunge/SIA.jpg
 +
 +
[[category:culture]]
 +
[[category:UK Government]]

Latest revision as of 16:57, 2 September 2011

SIA_logo.jpg
Money for old rope

The SIA is a NDPB established in 2003 to regulate the security industry, which, to be honest, was (and still is) a total gang fuck. Someone had the brilliant idea of creating an organisation to oversee this free-for-all and also to introduce a license - which had to be purchased (of course) at no small expense by the holder to enable them to work in the 'industry'.

Where once any old mong could waltz in to security work - which, let's face it, is hardly rocket science - now applicants have to do a 'course'. The course entails sitting in a stark 'classroom' (portakabin) on an industrial estate on the outskirts of Slough for several hours. Accompanied by several other mongs (the majority of whom will be from the colonies) most of the morning will be taken up trying to figure out how the (knackered) coffee machine works. When the 'instructor' eventually arrives (after being stuck in a tailback on the ring road) you will then be 'instructed' how to be nice and how not to get the shit kicked out of you by being 'non-confrontational'.

The successful candidates are then required to submit a sperm sample and a complete family history dating back to The Dark Ages to enable the awfully nice SIA people in Liverpool [Excellent choice of HQ] to vet them for suitability and to see if they've been naughty and been in trouble with the police - and all to the tune of £245, thank you very much. All very nice.

siacard.jpg

After an interminable wait, the license and the very important documents (photocopies not acceptable) that the applicant had sent to verify their credentials are duly dispatched back to the (now legal) security mong to enable him/her/it to earn a crust.

This documentation is (naturally) sent via unregistered mail and stuffed in to a blatantly obvious package marked Security Industry Authority. Important Documents Enclosed. This is presumably done to make it easier for identity fraudsters at the Royal Mail to steal the documents contained therein - all of which are more than enough to establish a new ID and open bank accounts etc.

So now everyone is properly vetted, CRB checked, trained and fully prepared for all eventualities and everyone's happy. It therefore came as a surprise somewhat to learn that the SIA had issued thousands of licenses to illegal immigrants. Quite how it is possible to vet and check someone without a National Insurance number and an address in Lagos has never been adequately explained [Is it coz I is black?], but who gives a shit when the real raison d'etre of the SIA is money making? And £245 every three fucking years makes it one of the most expensive operating licenses in the World!

The license categories are:

Currently, licensing is only required by contract security companies' management & their employees. The British government is considering whether to extend this to in-house security officers. Oh you fucking betcha they are. Kerching!

External Links


SIA.jpg