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Walts

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Walter Mitty - wannabe, bluffer, nuisance, cnut. It comes from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, written by humorist James Thurber and published in The New Yorker in 1941. See also: pointy heads and flat heads.

An individual who believes, or wishes others to believe, that he or she is something they are not. Often found bidding on "Genuine SAS" KFS and other items on eBay.


Taxonomy

Waltism comes in many forms:

  • Re-enactment: possibly the most acceptable form of walting, re-enactment is performed by individuals with a keen interest in history who attempt to recreate battles of years gone by to a reasonable degree of accuracy. But still walting wannabes. The closer the chosen period to modern day and the more elite the unit, the bigger the walt. Thus a New Model Army pikeman is a smaller walt than a 95th Rifleman who is in turn a smaller walt than a vietnam Green Beret who is out-walted by a SAS posing bank manager. Perhaps a scale of Re-enactment Walt can be put together.
  • Pub walts: These specimens are found at the corner of the bar, nursing a pint of shandy and giving everyone the "thousand yard stare". On questioning they will avoid the issue for 3 seconds before launching into an: "I shouldn't tell you, but just this once......." story of when they were in Bos with "THEM".
  • Medieval walts: Wear furs and skins, live in tents for fun at the weekend. Disturbingly they have access to swords, halberds, bows, crossbows, medieval siege equipment and an even more disturbing knowledge on how to use them. In their favour they drink like fish.
  • Witchcraft walts: Believe they have special powers and spend hours honing their skills with Tarot cards. Known to dance around on the heath at midnight naked. Their only purpose is to provide amusement for others, though they are generally harmless. Better known walts in this category: Richie 'Deep Purple Rainbow' Blackmore - white warlock. David 'related to god' Icke - religious walt.
  • Forces walts: Serving members of the forces who pose as something they are not. A classic example are the "faux airborne" who sew wings onto their aprons and claim to have slop jockeyed in 'Nam.
  • Ex-Forces walts: Make up stories about their time in uniform to impress their new civilian colleagues &/or employers. Don't recognise that they are walts at all and usually end up back on ARRSE bigging it up in the belief that no-one will recognise them. Consider this recent extract from a rather uncautious new member: "On another note - when constructing your own CV for job hunting, I have found that you can just about make up any kind of bullshit for your military career. You can insert any kind of information during your military service that relates to the job you are going for and potential employers have no way of verifying your claims. If references are asked for then you state that person has been posted, cant trace him etc.." Link
  • Retired Officer walts: Occasionally a genuine Officer with mild waltism who blags a single rank up. More likely to be a genuine walt who claims to be Maj so-and-so when his highest rank was LCpl in the Boys Brigade. The later type fairly easy to spot as they don't know what (Retd) means and usually talk about their time in the "Real Army" when addressing TA types. See also: Another Walt Bites the Dust

King Of The Walts or The Walt-Master General

A title hotly open to debate. Prime contender at the moment is:

Alan Mcilwraith

Well Worth A Look

Topic of a now legendary thread in the Int Cell: Search for a Walt Star

An early legend in the walt hunting world - Pte Golden

Where to find them

Some favourite internet haunts:

Arnie's Air Soft

These are the *BIZ*:

Colonel Saunders - "It's Finger Lickin' Good!" [1]

Prepare to be impressed! (I'm thinking of uploading one of my mates to this site!) :> [2]

Insignia

piefinder.jpg

Not that anyone is suggesting that there is a link between Waltism and Obesity. Although a long term study of these creatures does look fairly likely given the popularity of the thread so we'll let you know (unless the greedy b'stards eat our researchers)

Special Types of Walting

(thanks to ARRSE chat for these)

  • A-Walting: To go Walting
  • E-Walting: Walting on the internet
  • AWALT: To Walt being AWOL. See Blueface
  • Walter PPk: To Walt being James Bond
  • Matlida: Female Australian Walt
  • F Walteen: Flown by Crabwalts
  • D-Walt: Pretending to be a power drill
  • Walter Kronkite: Pretending to be an American Journalist
  • Walter Pistol: A pretend gun
  • Reverse Walting: Not quite Walting... but..?
  • Walt-er E Kurtz: Walting as an insane US Special Forces General.
  • Walt-er Koenig: A Walting trekie ... Walting a walt? JEEZ, thats bad!
  • Walt Disney: Walting as a cryogenically preserved cartoonist