|THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS FACTS ABOUT WALTS AND MUST BE HANDLED ACCORDINGLY!|
- 1 Introduction
- 2 Taxonomy
- 2.1 Re-enactment Walts
- 2.2 Paintballing Walts
- 2.3 Pub Walts
- 2.4 Security Guard Walts
- 2.5 Police and Special Constable Walts
- 2.6 Royalty and President Walts
- 2.7 Suicide Walts
- 2.8 Death & Disaster Walts
- 2.9 Witchcraft Walts
- 2.10 Opposite Gender Waltism
- 2.11 Spaz Walts
- 2.12 Spy Walt
- 2.13 Gangster Walts
- 2.14 Forces Walts
- 2.15 Ex-Forces Walts
- 2.16 Retired Officer Walts
- 2.17 Post Service Waltism
- 2.18 War Criminal Walt
- 2.19 Animal Walt
- 2.20 Mythical Animal Sex Walts
- 2.21 Chef Walt
- 2.22 Nickname Walts
- 2.23 Movie Fan Walts
- 2.24 King of the Walts
- 2.25 ATLAS Walts
- 3 Well worth a look
- 4 Where to find them
- 5 Tactical gut
- 6 Special types of Walting
Walter Mitty - wannabe, bluffer, nuisance, cnut. It comes from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, written by humorist James Thurber and published in The New Yorker in 1941. See also pointy heads and flat heads. A walt is an individual who believes, or wishes others to believe, that he or she be something he be not. They are often found bidding on 'Genuine SAS' KFS and other items on eBay and usually act the Internet Tough Guy. Outing Walts is the official sport of ARRSE. Spoken only in hushed tones are ops by the Waltenkommando commanded by the Waltfinder General.
Waltism comes in many forms, Not all may be listed down but here are the main types:
Possibly the most acceptable form of walting, re-enactment is performed by individuals with a keen interest in history who attempt to recreate battles of years gone by to a reasonable degree of accuracy. But still walting wannabes. The closer the chosen period to modern day, the more elite the unit, the more dictatorous the country, the bigger the walt. Thus a New Model Army pikeman is a smaller walt than a 95th Rifleman who is in turn a lesser walt than a WW2 Home Guard who is in turn a lesser walt than a Waffen SS who in turn is out-walted by a Vietnam War era Green Beret - who, in turn, is out-walted by a present day SAS-posing bank manager. Disturbingly Medieval up till Napoleonic types have access to swords, halberds, bows, crossbows, medieval siege equipment and an even more disturbing knowledge on how to use them. In their favour they drink like fish.
Woodland (Stick) Walts
Even odder. Just watch the video... Oh Dear!
Sadly, far from being a documentary about Chaps who like to run around the countryside shouting "BANG" (I believe they are called the TA) this was an, (almost), award winning student film parodying war films or something.
The kind of middle aged man who delivers parcels in his Mini Metro but at weekends goes and plays paintball with a bunch of kids. They're often seen bringing their own webbing, paintballs and pathetic smoke grenades. They're friends with everyone there but have no friends of their own. See airsoft.
Usually an airsoft mong in his/her own time spending hours in a bedroom on a playstation/x-box dressed infull webbing etc. Also a sad individual with General Jumbo syndrome who believes they are an all mighty commander of a set of plastic model soldiers turning up at the local games workshop in full uniform.
Very common form of a Walt, These specimens are found at the corner of the bar, nursing a pint of shandy and giving everyone the 'thousand yard stare'. On questioning they will avoid the issue for three seconds before launching into an: 'I shouldn't tell you, but just this once...' story of when they were in Bos with "Them".
Security Guard Walts
Waltism is popular amongst security guards of shopping centres, building sites etc. They often claim they are ex-airborne/marine, SAS etc. and to have fought with the Contras, done missions raiding the Iranian Embassy, guarded politicians and VIPs with 'Them'. Security guard walts have usually failed in life and have nothing else better to do apart from guarding the aisles of the local Kwik Save acting the "Supermarket-Tough-Guy". See the likes of The Mall Ninja. If not pretending to be ex forces, they all either have 'just applied to the Police' or 'just failed selection for the Police'.
Also the type who does the doors at the under 18s disco.
Police and Special Constable Walts
Police and Special Constable Walts has its own page which can be found here:
Royalty and President Walts
Read this... it's all you need to know.
Death & Disaster Walts
People who pretend to have died either to shock, get attention or to claim benefits, pensions etc. They are usually found to have been 'Brought back from the Dead' and end up in the papers. See also Disaster Walt.
It gets worse. This lot believe they have special powers, think that Lord of the Rings is an instruction manual and spend hours honing their skills with Tarot cards. Known to dance around on the heath at midnight naked. Their only purpose is to provide amusement for others, though they are generally harmless. Better known walts in this category:
- Richie 'Deep Purple Rainbow' Blackmore - White Warlock.
- David 'related to God' Icke - Religious walt.
- Matthew Hardman - Murderer who thought he'd become a vampire.
Opposite Gender Waltism
See Woman Walt.
People who claim to be sick, suffer illnesses or pretend to be disabled to gain sympathy/attention or most likely to claim benefits or dodge work. They soon get found out to be walting out when asked Wow your broken leg healed quick!.
A cursory look reveals several kinds:
- Individuals once genuinely employed by HMG and who have traded on it ever since (e.g. David 'Delores' Shayler - see also Woman Walt).
- Would-be 'freelance intelligence operatives' who provide dubious information and occasionally take in people whose spidey senses don't tingle quickly enough (e.g. Glen Jenvey - quondam Tamil Walt and authority on the Religion of Peace(TM), who deceived Patrick Mercer into an endorsement before being exposed).
- Thieves preying on the extremely credulous (e.g. one Wayne Gouveia)
This sub-group often lie about being involved with notorious criminals, claim to be related to Ronnie Kray, doing drive-by shootings, heists, drug dealing, and growing up in 'The Hood' with their 'Homies'. In reality their only transgressions of the law are ASBOs, the odd parking fine and dealing aspirins to under 8s. This, however, does not prevent them from larging it about housing estates and gobbing off to complete strangers in a bizarre Jamaican patois, even though they've never left Ashford and are whiter than Billy Connolly in winter.
Oddly, their pretensions as crime lords mysteriously vanish when real crims are on the scene, and their accents revert to pure middle class Home Counties. They also have a tendency to revert to their bedrooms - in their parents' semi - on pain of Da Niggaz Crue smokin' dems asses wiv lead... innit?
Serving members of the forces who pose as something they are not. A classic example are the "faux airborne" who sew wings onto their aprons and claim to have slop jockeyed in 'Nam'.
This sub-group make up stories about their time in uniform to impress their new civilian colleagues and/or employers. They don't recognise that they are walts at all and usually end up back on ARRSE bigging it up in the belief that no-one will recognise them. Consider this recent extract from a rather uncautious new member: "On another note - when constructing your own CV for job hunting, I have found that you can just about make up any kind of bullshit for your military career. You can insert any kind of information during your military service that relates to the job you are going for and potential employers have no way of verifying your claims. If references are asked for then you state that person has been posted, cant trace him etc.." ....... Really now? Is that so? Link
Retired Officer Walts
Occasionally a genuine officer with mild waltism who blags a single rank up. More likely to be a genuine walt who claims to be Major so-and-so when his highest rank was Lance Jack in the cadets. The latter type are fairly easy to spot as they don't know what (Retd.) means and usually talk about their time in the "Real Army" when addressing TA types. See also: Another Walt Bites the Dust
Post Service Waltism
Sadly, Waltism can? affect ex-squaddies and alike. This is when an ex-service person in his mind still thinks he is serving in the forces. here is an example.
War Criminal Walt
Unbelievably the latest category of walt to appear is War Criminal [No, not Tony Blair]. Jesse Macbeth claimed to have killed hundreds of Iraqi civilians while on tour in Iraq with the US Army Rangers. It turns out he's just a walting cnut who had only served six weeks in the army before being kicked out. Story here.
Mythical Animal Sex Walts
If you thought the above were bizarre, the posters on this site will freak you out !
How often have you met a bloke who regularly gets tupped by a dragon ?
Run and hide !
James Stocks was employed by the luxury Balbirnie House Hotel as head slop jockey after the recruitment company that put him forward for the role gave false references, which had been obtained over the telephone they claimed to have verbally taken from Michelin chefs Michel Roux Jnr and Michel Del Burgo.
Stocks quit in May 2008 after a newspaper revealed he had exaggerated his career. Stocks, who has traded on his claimed links with celebrity chef Marco Pierre White, was condemned as a "liar" by the Hell's Kitchen star.
One reference claimed Mr Roux Jnr had said of James: "There is no doubt he will be one of the best chefs in Britain."
But Roux denied the claim.
Balbirnie House Hotel won an out-of-court settlement from recruitment company Berkeley Scott.
A squaddie who invents a flattering nickname for himself, usually on posting, to give the impression of being Ally, a sexual deviant, or simply because his parents christened him Walter. Nickname waltism is also found amongst Internet Tough Guys, Airsoft mongs, the Batty boys in Top Bum and the Gladiators.
Movie Fan Walts
King of the Walts
Usually you end up speaking to "them" on the phone when your DII rig has just died for the sixth billionth time. On the odd occasion you will get to speak to someone who has apparently "served" but does not know anything about the military. Usually gets confused with terms like PSAO, QM, SNCO. Usually name dropping some estate manager and talking about their "experience".
Now you know why it's "Have previous Military/operational experience - not essential" here. In some time we will have to babysit ATLAS deployed walts who play with BB guns and dress like toy soldiers (no shit - they dress like US marines). The entire DIIF deployed structure seems to be full of them, bar one or two.
Well worth a look
- Topic of a now legendary thread in the Int Cell - Search for a Walt Star
- The new pretender Craig Colclough
- Arrse's highest ranking Walt yet - Caubeen
- James Shortt - Enter the Dragon.
- The disturbing act of John Rambo.
- An early legend in the Walt-hunting world - Mike Golden.
- The sad case of Alan Dobison.
- Peter Higham & Barry McGuinness - Serial Fireman and Bus Driver walts.
- Ryan Nurse - St John Ambulance walt.
- Bob Spour - SAS Walt
- Wayne Gouveia - MI5 Walt
- When walting goes disastrously wrong I - Jamie Barratt.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong II - Simon de Montfort-Broughton. Our most contentious walt yet.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong III - Jim McAuley.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong IV - The Mall Ninja.
- When walting goes disastrously wrong V - John Pierce.
- Even wiggers can be walts if your name is Richie C - child walt, cnut and spelling error.
- The even sadder case of Barry Simkins.
- Mick Waring - The walting wife collector.
- Phil Elmore - Steely-eyed nailsy spam megawalt.
- Tom Carew/Philip Sessarego. Walting SAS author and dead by carbon monoxide poisoning ... mibi! Story here.
- Walting With Confidence - The absolutely essential one-stop guide to walting.
- The disrespectful meaning of a Soulja
- Karle Halliday - Never in the field of Walting has so much been claimed by one person, nor has one person before managed to piss off the Royal Marines and Parachute Regiment in the same style as Halliday aka Daine aka Westmacott aka Carlos Gotti!
And the list goes on.....
Where to find them
Some favourite internet haunts. Some of these are the biz:
- On the IMFDB
- Playing Call of Duty.
- Female Heroine Walts!. Hmmm.
- Commemorative Air Force - "fought" WW2 present day.
- Colonel Saunders - 'It's Finger Lickin' Good!'
- Prepare to be impressed! (I'm thinking of uploading one of my mates to this site) Collectors' Corner
When Waltism Gets Dangerous
- Christopher Lanum: The Joker
- US Militia Groups
Who ate all the rat packs?
Not that anyone is suggesting that there is a link between Waltism and obesity. Although a long term study of these creatures does look fairly likely given the popularity of the thread so we'll let you know (unless the greedy b'stards eat our researchers).
Special types of Walting
(thanks to ARRSE chat for these)
- A-Walting: To go Walting
- E-Walting: Walting on the internet
- AWALT: To Walt being AWOL. AKA Blueface
- Walter PPk: To Walt being James Bond
- Matlida: Female Australian Walt
- F Walteen: Flown by Crabwalts
- D-Walt: Pretending to be a power drill,Can also mean recovering from the sad influence of Waltism.
- Tony Waltana: To Walt being a Mafia boss
- Walter Kronkite: Pretending to be an American Journalist
- Walter Pistol: A pretend gun
- WaltMart: A walt shopping on ebay for genuine SAS KFS.
- Reverse Walting: Not quite Walting... but?
- Walt-er E Kurtz: Walting as an insane US Special Forces Colonel.
- Walt-er Koenig: A Walting trekie. Walting a walt? JEEZ, that's bad!
- Walt Disney: Walting as a cryogenically preserved cartoonist.
- Woodland Walt: Pretends to be on patrol in a forest.
- Bookshop Walt: Pretends to be an expert on THEM activities in the local WH Smith.