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Anal Probes

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This is the final stage in the process known as Being Abducted by an Alien or by the FBI or the UN.

Step 1: Be born in the United States of America.
Step 2: Belong to the social class known as 'redneck'. Rednecks normally drink a lot of beer, live in a mobil home, fish hunt trap, are heavily armed and think the US goverment is under the mind control of the UN.
Step 3: Go out drinking with your cousin Bobby the buggerer ... drink A LOT!
Step 4: See lights in the sky then pass out.
interlude where you cant remember a thing
Step 5: Wake up with your cousin Bobby missing his trousers ... a massive hangover and a hoop that feels like a small redwood has been shoved up it.
Step 6: Go on TV ie Jerry Springer telling how aliens/FBI/UN kidnapped you and probed your anus.

If aliens aren't involved then its likely that Black helicopters were.