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Border & Immigration Agency

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Aptly formed on April Fool's Day 2007, the 'BIA' is the new all singing, all dancing government agency that deals with letting every freeloading cnut who fancies a slice of Johnny Taxpayer in to the country without as much as an 'Ere, I wanna word with you!'

One could easily be forgiven for not realising that the UK government actually has an immigration policy whatsoever, because a quick trip down the Edgeware Road does suggest otherwise - especially as the government's very own statistics and estimates indicate that ony twelve Somalis entered the country since 1997, as opposed to the real world figures that are approaching ninety million - and that's just the Nigerians.

Quite why we even need an immigration department anymore is odd - seen as the EU's Schengen Agreement has pretty much rendered any kind of border control void. This of course does not apply to British nationals - especially of the non-ethnic kind. Try taking an internal flight to Edinburgh without a passport and you'll quicky find an MP5 jammed in your ribs, a Furry Crocodile nibbling your spuds and a well-used Marigold disappearing up your hoop.