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Canada

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America run by the Swiss

Britain's greatest ally, Canadians have steadfastly contribututed to every British conflict and battle from the Traansvaal to the Somme, Dunkirk to D Day. We provided men and materiels to Britain during all Her darkest hours. Some would posit that Americans have usurped this role, but then, well, they would be idiots, eh? Canucks - true comrades who won't kill Brits by accident.

Where are we?

A snowy, windswept frozen expanse of prairie and pre-cambrian shield formations, populated by polar bears, beavers, eskimos, French fur trappers and pale, 'funny-sounding Americans' in parkas and wooly hats. Located north of the US, hence we are commonly confused with our dimwitted neighbors. [unfortunately, you seem oft to spell like them too]

What do we do?

Main exports

  • Cold fronts
  • Crap singers (Celine Dion, Bryan Adams)
  • TV programmes (e.g. Due South) and French language movies
  • Labatts beer
  • Molson beer (who produced some good adverts under the "I Am Canadian" banner in the late '90s)

Main imports

  • American television
  • Igloo repair kits

GDP

  • 50,000 beaver pelts
  • 20,000,000 kegs of Labatt Blue

Defence

Eighteen mothballed F-18 fighters, a good army crippled by crap politicians, a rowboat with an elephant gun (HMCS MoosePoo), and a handful of bemused Inuit with Enfield rifles and red jumpers.

Police/Security

Men in big hats and red jackets, called Mounties, who, armed with .38 webley revolvers and wolf pets summoned by a whistle, ride horses and break up bar fights with good manners and a strong fist.

Transport

Canoes and dogsleds, taxpayer-subsidised Bombardier trains broken down on tracks due to the never-ending labour unrest in Quebec.

Housing

Igloos and log cabins.

Culture

See Exports and Imports.

Still (technically) a British dominion, they're pretty much a quasi-independent nation after we realised that they could be trusted not to cock it up too much, and besides, who the hell would live there anyway?

Links

Joe's Rant

Canadians Are Polite?

Pet Beaver

More Pet Beavers