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Dear john

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A "Dear John" letter is normally sent by a now ex-girlfriend, a now ex-wife or (these days) a significant other, and may as well contain 2 words. "Fuck OFF", "CYA Loser" or Adios Amigo", any other words are just filler. Although if your name actually IS John don't worry it may be just a nice letter from mummy. However, if you are an ungrateful snot and don't appreciate your parents you deserve a nasty letter anyway.

The bad Dear John letters usually arrive a week after returning to camp from leave. They have been known to make grown men cry, recipients can sometimes be heard sniveling like babies in the communal bogs.

A sample letter may go like this:

Dear (your name)

You know that friendly chap at work I told you about last week well I am now screwing him so Adios Amigo.


Yours Sincerely

used to like you

xxxx

.............................................................................................

Or (2) it could be a long winded effort designed to let you down gently before putting the boots in,

Dear (your name)

I really did love you, we had such wonderful times together, well, the three times I saw you during the year we did have SOME good times, blah, blah, blah,......................blah, blah.........blah fukkin blah....... but lately I couldn't even stand looking at your fizzog grinning at me from the photograph on the fireplace. It fell off and broke btw. The kids hate you as well. Mentioning the kids reminds me that I will be looking for Family Support payments for the rest of your life. Get Lost.

Yours Sincerely

used to like you

xxxx

p.s. I hated wearing your army gear.

...............................................................................................

If you do get a Dear John letter remember to keep your own miserable failings aside and that YOU are the victim, she is the A-Hole so man the fuck up, move on, get over it etc, etc.

The Military has procedures in place for this (although tbh I couldn't find them in Queens Regs),

1) Feel Free to pass the letter around your mates.

2) Pin her photograph onto the "pig board" for all others to laugh at the fat witch. (Come on, you know she was).

3) Resist the temptation to write back you will only regret it later and the next letter you get may be a restraining order.

4) Immediately update your Facebook page (loser) and change your status to "Single". The ex-wicked witch will check this to see how cut up you are, show her that you are not.

5) Make plans to screw the 1st slapper you meet. It won't make you feel better but the slapper will be grateful.

6) Don't be a knob and bleat off about how you miss her or love her still, no one cares and what mates you have left will abandon you quicker than a Shart of Vindaloo passing through your already stained underwear.

7)If the sender was just a slag you met and shacked up with whilst on leave, collect a pile of chick photo's from your mates and send them via return post asking her to pick her photo out of the pile and send the rest back.

8) Nope, can't think of an Eight, I need help, not for this, I really need help !!!!! I just got a Dear John.

--Spank-it (talk) 22:06, 29 November 2015 (GMT)