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Dying For A Fag

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Dying For A Fag details the (highly lucrative) exploits of Leading Seaperson Faye Turney of the Andrew and her derring do whilst at the hands of the dastardly Iranians.

Member

Chain-smoking single mum Turney 23 - the cox'n of a RIB - was a member of a Royal Marines boarding party tasked to prevent contraband goods and weapons entering Iraq. Along with another RIB - and unsupported by their ship HMS Cornwall - they were intercepted by a reasonably tooled up gunboat of the Iranian Navy and in the finest traditions of the corps surrendered without a fight.

Incarcerated along with fourteen others, divorced mother of two Turney (25) was paraded on Iranian television and made to write snivelling letters of apology. The world's media soon picked up on this and images of the dishevelled twenty year old were beamed around the globe.

Munter

The conditions their captors forced them to endure were horrific. Married mother of three Turney (21) was forced to endure taunts of 'fat munter' and was forced to smoke a sub-standard brand of cigarette that tasted of camel poo. There was worse to come.

Threatened with the same treatment that was being meted out to her Royal Marine colleagues, the valiant twenty-six year old childless lesbian did what any self-respecting serviceperson would do under such arduous circumstances and sang like a bird.

Naked

Meanwhile, her Royal Marine colleagues were undergoing ritual humiliation at the hands of their evil guards and were forced to strip naked and fight each other after being plied with illicit alcohol. 'Marine X' regaled how he'd been forced to attach sleeping mats to his arms with nasty black tape and batter his fellow marines senseless in a drunken orgy of violence whilst his captors applauded, egged them on and took pictures.

The wheels of diplomacy were slowly grinding in to action as the televised exploits of the incarcerated matelots and booties horrified the world. An international outcry ensued after it was revealed that a Royal Marine officer was forced at gunpoint to deliver a weather report live on Iranian TV.

Fags

Whilst all this was going on, plucky teenager Turney remained steadfast in the finest traditions of the RN and won an army of admiring fans. Forced at the point of a bayonet to wear an Islamic head scarf, Turney (19) maintained an air of superiority in the face of adversity. She could hear the screams and shouts of the tortured marines as they engaged in nude pugilism but didn't break. She gallantly portrayed an air of indifference as she played cards, smoked fags and engaged with her naval cohorts in light banter - all captured on camera by the perfidious Iranian regime.

Suits

Their ordeal was soon over. After twelve days in a stinking one star hotel, twelve horrific, sleepless nights on hard beds with no duvets, the fifteen sailors and marines were released by the Tehran regime. But not before one last humiliating display. Forced at gunpoint by the Revolutionary Guard to wear suits from Top Man, the sailors and marines were made to look ridiculous before the world's media as they shook hands with smiling arch-demon President Ahmadinejad before flying to Heathrow Club Class and selling their suits on eBay.

Loadsamoney

What happened next is history. In an unprecedented move, the MoD gave permission for the fifteen to sell their story to the papers. Graphic details emerged of how Turney struggled to prepare her manuscript in order to receive loadsamoney from the tabloids under the most arduous of conditions. It makes for sobering reading.

It's estimated that Turney sold her story for a whopping £20 million and even appeared on Tonight with Trevor McDoughnut. Much criticism ensued and Turney (30) vowed that she'd see her fellow matelots right and take them all on a cruise in the Arabian Gulf - a promise she's yet to ratify.

Clunge

Turney's story was made in to a bestselling book by noteworthy author Cyril Clunge - supposedly knocked out in record time and whilst the hostage drama was still in progress. Sales from this work have netted Turney another £10 million, making her by far the most successful POW in naval history and one of Britain's richest women with an estate thought to be worth over £30 million. "I earned every fucking penny of it. Now fuck of you twats!" she screamed at paparazzi in her native Birmingham brogue as they thronged outside her Kensington residence. Way to go gal. You certainly did.

See also Wanchors Aweigh.