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Eurovision Song Contest

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No talent required

What the Euro-Fuck is it?

An annual televised festival that’s supposed to be a celebration of European song-writing and performing talent and represent all that’s fluffy about the post-war ideal of a brotherhood of nations. That was until the Berlin Wall came down.

Surreal, hilarious and always entertaining, the Eurovision Song Contest (ESC) was, and is, totally unconnected to the music industry and popular music, the particular brand of Euro-pop found in the ‘contest’ being almost unique in style, content and delivery. Only in the ESC will you find a bird dressed as a Swiss goatherd and a fat bloke in a penguin suit singing ‘Bing bang bangedy bang’, or some barely clothed, ‘permatanned’ Turkish belly dancer writhing on the floor singing ‘Bouncy bouncy’.

So we win a lot do we?

As bizarre as the concept of the UK actually winning anything (other than wars) is, the Royaume Uni (erm… that’s us in French – the language of international cowardliness ... errr... diplomacy) triumphed on several occasions. This was not due in any way to musical superiority, but rather the inferiority of other nations’ entries which were even worse than ours.

That said, we have been robbed, notably by the (then) Fascist Spaniards in 1968, when our entry – delivered with great aplomb by songster and God botherer Sir Cliff Richard – was roundly drubbed by Spain’s ‘Massiel’ and the totally un-noteworthy, unimaginative and forgettable 'La La La’.

You bunch of cnuts!

Those were the days when Eurovision was predominantly Western Europe, and despite the Israelis somehow managing to creep in at some point, the contest had a Euro-feel due to one of the pre-requisites being the entrants had to be... European.

Letting the Yids in set a precedent, and the collapse of the Soviet empire really sealed the competition’s fate, with a myriad of fragmented fiefdoms gaining nation status overnight. What with the ever-expanding EU, the competition is now a total goat fuck – with nations like Azerbaijan, Armenia, the Ukraine, Georgia and even Russia taking part... and winning. I wonder why?

Competition Corruption and Cunts

The ESC has always (in part) been a vote rigging scam, with everyone voting for each other’s neighbours... apart from us. Nobody votes for us apart from the Irish – and that’s out of sympathy. But the most recent contest has really taken the Peek Freans Chocolate Assortment on the scam front – with Russian satellite states feverishly voting for the old Bear in a panicky fit that their Ursine neighbour would turn the fucking lights off on their impetuous independent operation.

So what we have now is an unashamed political pissing match that has nothing to do with talent or music. Eastern European nations all vote for each other and the dwindling Western contenders all vote for Eastern Europe – as the West is full of Gypos who are quite happy to bite the hand that feeds them.

To add insult to injury, it's the Western nations that pick up the tab for this circus - including us, or rather the BBC, or to be even more specific: the Television License fee payer. And all for a competition that we have absolutely no chance of winning... ever again. Uncle Bob couldn't have dreamt this up!

The ESC is now a totally hollow and soulless affair, with a succession of vacuous, botox-filled, and orange-skinned unpronounceables with strange mid-Atlantic accents – and that’s just the presenters. The 'audience' are shipped-in locals who are given free tickets and handed flags to wave to create the impression that the whole of Europe is one well-behaved musical Utopia. Leni Riefenstahl would have been proud. As for the acts? They all look and sound exactly the same – with the odd exception. They tend to fall in to two distinct categories:


Whether they be animated, opaque-skinned Scandinavian Aryans in leather trousers, wailing on about saving the planet and the liddle children in tuneless ballads, or half-naked, mascara-plastered munters from Mongoslavia screaming unintelligibly in a pastiche of early 1980s non-rock, this is their big chance and they’re giving it their all.

Not so serious

The novelty act. Few have been memorable. Artistes with names like Raavi Shruti and Albertus Vrinda (these are actually Microsoft Word fonts, but make your own act up) dress up as all manner of folksy characters and have their three minutes of glory. It rarely works. It did, however, for the Finns in 2006, when their ‘monster’ rock act 'Lordi' won. Old Europe will never be forgiven for that aberration.

We're doomed

The future?

The map has taken a great leap to the right with all manner of nations getting in on the act. It won’t be long before China has an entry – EU membership notwithstanding, and only a matter of time before every fucking country on the planet has its name on the ops board. God help us when Argentina plays.

PS: If you must watch this unmitigated pile of recycled goats vomit, a stiff drink might be a good idea.