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Faye Turney

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Mysterious Western beauty with 'come to my tent' eyes

Plump hostage from the Andrew. Held for nearly 2 weeks in a hell hole 5* hotel with complimentary room service, after being captured in Iranian waters, faced the hardship of being split from her male companions in full knowledge that they had a balcony commanding a beautiful Sea view whilst she only had the semi luxury of an en-suite bathroom and garden patio.

Whist other hostages in the past have been subject to brutal physical torture, none can compare to the nightmare that young Faye had to endure, being paraded on live TV for all the world to see, not with a machete to her neck, gun to her head, but having to wear a scarf! Yes a scarf!! Oh the horrors! It is thought that the expensive pure silk head piece wasn't to her taste as it was not in her accustomed Burberry check pattern and therefore not chav enough for the chubby little Spunk Bucket.

Whilst some of the bootneck cohorts hung their heads in shame over the whole affair, knowing that they were captured without struggle by a group of sandal wearing Iranian fishermen, dressed in shiney suits and armed with an incomprehensible dialect, Miss Turney returned home to tell her story to all that would listen or rather pay. It is reported that she has so far made over £100,000. It's believed that the film rights to her epic struggle are still up for grabs.

Although she is a fat waste of skin (Oxygen Thief), she still can rest easy knowing that she isn't as much of an embarrassment as her cry baby, pant wetting comrade Arthur 'Mr Bean' Batchelor.