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GCHQ - Cheltenham

The Doughnut - which is capable of retracting underground in the event of war or a Foot & Mouth outbreak


Ultra-secretive Government Communications Headquarters based in the Gloucestershire town of Cheltenham.

GCHQ is the clandestine intelligence agency responsible for providing SIGINT to the British government and armed forces, under the guidance of the Joint Intelligence Committee.

It is the comms hub that eavesdrops on the electronic chit chat that permeates the ether and is capable of singling out specific words (and identifying their speakers) such as: Gordon Brown, cnut, explosives and Parliament.

GCHQ then choose the appropriate level of response in proportion to the perceived threat and vector the security services to the source of the transmission and ensure that any sedition is crushed by using sufficient force as to render any possible future threat void.

GCHQ is also home to CESG (Communications Electronics Security Group) - a sub unit which deals with the government's secure communications and information systems and critical parts of UK national infrastructure. CESG consign all sensitive data to laptops and CDs which are promptly lost, or sold to Nigerian scammers.

Contrary to popular belief, eBay does not operate out of a disused basement cleaner's cupboard in the bowels of GCHQ.

Though GCHQ is the responsibility of the Foreign Secretary - arch-Bond villain David Miliband - it is not a part of the Foreign Office.