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Hull

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Kingston-upon-Hull is the jewel in East Yorkshire's crown. Once a thriving port it is now reduced to being the 'Gateway to Europe' for thousands of service personnel nipping across to cloggie land for a quick break or a car full of ciggys.

Speaking of ciggys Hull is home to a detachment of 49 (West Riding) Signal Squadron (V) and also home of the splendid The Deep fish aquarium wotsit and what was once the largest single span suspension bridge in the world.

If you manage to overcome the prejudice of it having the largest council estate in the UK then please visit 'Ull. Come to Fort Paull (sadly closed for no reason)and see the last Blackburn Beverley transport plane or wander down Spurn Point to see the Humber sea forts.

There is also the large student totty element to be enjoyed on Monday and Tuesday nights - the weekends being too dangerous as the locals come out. Also of note is the high level of policing, even if they do use knock offs from the first series of The Bill, with at least ten policemen (I suppose they employ women too but they look the same) being found on 'Bev Road' each night. Hull is one of the few places anywhere in the World where the local constabulary utilise armoured coaches instead of police vans.

It has improved in the last five years, rising from worst city in Britain to the 16th worst city. It remains a haven of cheap drink, cheap food and cheap women. It also has a rather charming village called Cottingham which is where you live if you don't want to be mugged, stabbed or stabbed then mugged.

As charming as the preceding paragraphs sound, they are infact, complete shiite.

Hull. Even the name makes the skin of any self respecting Englishman crawl. Knowing that Hull is physically attached to Great Britain is the same feeling as having a serial killer for a mother and a nonce for a father. A mixture of fear, shame and exhaustion.

Living in Hull is how I imagine hell will be. Only colder and with less virgins. Hull confirms the rule that if it's north of Birmingham and south of Edinburgh, it doesn't serve a purpose.

Hull does have, however, another claim to fame. Cast your mind back to the 1640s, about the time that English people stopped crossing the Channel to beat the stuffing out of the French, and decided to concentrate on giving a good shoeing to each other instead (happily, this would not last, and within 70 years would be hammering the frogs again). So, at around about the start of the English Civil War, Charles II led a small force to the city of Hull, in which he had left a large amount of ordinance and equipment, with the intent of picking said equipment up, and shoeing the Parliamentarians. Hull, being full of devilish, untrustworthy Northerners, decided at the last minute to lock to doors to Hull and declare allegiance to Parliament, leaving Charles II looking rather daft. And that, pretty much, is it. Oh, what an illustrious history!