People from nations other than England
Not everyone in the world was lucky enough to be born in this green and sceptred isle. There are people out there who know nothing of the joy one feels to awake, knowing oneself to be English by the grace of God... the Christian one that is. This poor blighted soul is the Johnny Foreigner and he is not one of us.
Johnny Foreigner (JF) never plays with a straight bat and in some cases is married to his cousin by prior parental arrangement. Johnnies have no discernible sense of humour or fair play and they tend to gesticulate with their hands when talking.
Often the JF will dress oddly to our eyes. JF men will be seen walking through ankle-deep slush in open-toed sandals and socks. JF women may wear all over black muslin bin bags while peering out of a tiny slit - like a postie trapped in a black pillarbox. They may also wear nothing but some grass cuttings and a smile. Some of JFs' women are total foxes (the ones that aren't hidden by the bin bags) - but always use a condom.
JFs' national anthems tend to be over-long, complicated and totally unmemorable. The exception to this being Germany whose national anthem was written by an Austrian bloke called Haydn. Very nice tune, pity about the words. JF music is also proper shit and sounds like either:
- A member of 3 Para Mortar Platoon having his Back Doors kicked in by a Challenger 2, or...
- Someone who is totally tone deaf has re-tuned all their instruments.
The armed forces of JF are on the whole mincing, posturing nancy boys who wouldn't last ten minutes at Pirbright. Often his kit will actually work as he is unlikely to have got it from BAE. He will still complain about lack of fairness when a HM shoeing is rendered to him.
Some of JFs' food is quite noshable though and some of them know how to make good grog.
By far the most unnerving aspect of Johnny Foreigner is the fact that he or she is seldom called Johnny. It is more likely to be Pierre, Hans, Diego, Maria, Abdul or Ivan.
Non-English who aren't Johnny Foreigner:
- Americans, Canadians, Aussies, Kiwis and the Irish are not JFs. They're just a little odd.
- South Africans are borderline - not helped by their gene pool being riddled with Dutch poison.
- No matter how annoying or unwilling they are to cheer on Ingerlund in the footie, the Scots and the Welsh are not JFs either.