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Kim Jong Il

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Mad Korean cnut or double?

North Korean dictator with his 'finger on the button'. Known to live his life as a 'Vain Playboy'. As witness his ownership of the world's worst hairdo. Graham Gooch and Shane Warne are statesmanlike by comparison.

What is really neat, is that the office of President was buried along with his old man, Kim Il-sung, when he handed-in his swipe card in 1994.

Kim Jong-il holds two official posts. He is General Secretary of the Workers' Party of Korea, and the Chairman of the National Defence Committee. Neither position is subject to electoral scrutiny, so Kim simply keeps on appointing himself. As you do, in these circumstances.

He's somewhat embarrassed by Russian claims that he was born in the USSR when his father was commanding a Red Army formation. This doesn't fit in with current political arrangements. (The Russkies are sucking up to South Korea.) Just don't mention Yuri Irsenovich Kim in his presence, OK?

A note on his famously expensive tastes. He is reputed to eat his imported lobsters with silver chopsticks. Not extravagance, as some might think: any staining of the silver would alert him to a poisoning attempt.

May well be on his last legs as his public appearances have been patchy as of late and he has numerous doubles who stand in for him at events ... so the fecker may have been dead for years and no-one would know.

Finally - does anyone know why North Korean military uniforms are so crapulous? Did the dude in khaki to left of Kim really spend hours working on his kit the night before?