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Milton Keynes

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I say Holmes, some town planner's been at this place with a bally set square!

A wholly-planned town built round a grid of streets and roundabouts that is, frankly, enough to make you bug fuck crazy when driving around it.

Milton Keynes - or simply 'MK' as it's now being 'marketed' is a classic example of somewhere that was designed by someone who had absolutely no intention of living there.

'MK' has very Stalinesque overtones: open plan and with no building higher than a garden shed. There is no distinct skyline. A parade of student-flattening T62s would not look too out-of-place on the ring road. MK is so boring it has concrete cows to make the place look more exciting.

Abbey (National) has most of its major offices here and as a result many of the residents are miserable, abused, bullied and looking for better jobs.

Extremely understanding police dog units. One of them picked up my very drunk mate, put him in the back of the van and drove him to his hotel. Pity the Alsatian was an extremely friendly sort and tried to hump him.