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NBC

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NBC stands for No Bloody Chance and is the British Army's greatest Wah. Nuclear, Biological and Chemical arsenals have been the weaponry equivalent of the McLaren F1 Top-Trump Card since Little Mehmet Hamani decided to catapult plague-ridden cow carcasses into his mate Abdullah's back garden for shits and giggles, many centuries ago.

Nowadays, entire nation states have bankrupted themselves trying to develop these weapons in pursuit of the greatest diplomatic wind-up, Deterrence. This masterful ideal of stalemate-leading-to-negotiation means that silly little men with stupid 'taches, rows of medals and apocalyptic religious ideals can wipe all life on earth out because the fairies told them to.

In the face of the impending, life-extinguishing, city-crushing, world-annihilating Armageddon, the British Army issued its soldiers black plastic face masks, some clothes made out of carbon paper, some natty rubber boots and a pair of black marigolds. They then issued a little booklet called Survive To Fight that detailed how one would survive the deployment of mankind's greatest weapons.

The advice given to an individual being targeted by a 10 kiloton nuclear weapon is to lay down under a tree with your eyes closed. The more experienced soldiers also knew to shield their plums with their hands to avoid man's most feared injury - irradiated testicles.

In today's efficiently-managed UK Plc, penny pinchers in the MOD have started to realise that spending millions shipping NBC equipment to an operationally deployed army is an expensive luxury - particularly when that equipment is little use except against gonk-bag farts and AGC foot-rot - so they have stopped bothering, along with the Army's second greatest Wah - Combat Body Armour (c'mon, it protects a total of 6 square inches of your body, you might as well sick an extra norgie on).

Note: NBC is called CBRN nowadays, apparently. This reflects the added dangers of dirty bombs and randomly exploding nuclear installations in various B-list countries (see: ROTA).