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National Health Service

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You're all going to die!

Oh dear oh dear. Where to start? Yet another fine institution that's gone to live in a canine environment. If you were brought up on a diet of Emergency Ward 10 and Carry On films, then you're going to be disappointed.

Long gone are the legions of starched beauties fiddling with your privates on darkened wards. The nasal guffaws of 'Ooh Matron!' are ancient history. The reality is a tragedy and an indictment of mismanagement on an unimaginable scale, and a classic example of money wastage, the proportions of which are Biblical.

Filthy wards which are a breeding ground for MRSA and myriad other nasties together with an unforgivable increase in OGDWs sum up the standards of excellence extolled by Gordy Broon, and all thanks to that 1980s Maggiefied, thrusting, business-obsessed 'contracts out for tender' model forced upon a once fine institution by those wonderful slimebag Tories!

Yes, those very same paragons of imminent national rescue, who'll cheerfully flog the entire system off to Enron MkII, whilst reassuring you that those nasty brown types have been sent home as a consequence. The Sun will veritably piss itself in nostalgic glee, before settling down to pen editorials on the disgrace of those lazy neo-Englanders who won't play the game and go to Poland for their bypass op.

The staff are usually foreign (see 'contracts out for tender' above) and invariably unintelligible, and the food is bordering on criminal (see above - oooh, guess why?). The angels of mercy are now more interested in their next fag break than giving a damn about the suffering of others.

Then again, the Great British Public (viz. the planet's most hypocritical whiners) wouldn't give much of a toss either if they had half the amount of metaphorical (and literal) shit poured over them every time a uniform went on.

James Robertson-Justice would spin in his grave if he could see what a mess has been made of a post-War masterpiece and the Chief Carpet Muncher herself - Florence Nightingale - would have thought she was back in the Crimea.