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Smoking

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Once thought of as a cure-all panacea for a range of ills from cowardice to the common cold, no self-respecting Tommy would even think of single-handedly storming a Jerry pillbox without first lighting up a Strand; and no decent chap would think of trying to bed a filly without at first offering her a Capstan - Full Strength.

Nowadays, smoking is an increasingly unacceptable habit due to the fact that smoking equals death. It has, however, been scientifically proven that the minute you 'spark up a tab', is the minute you become instantly cool. Chicks love you, men want to be you, and kids think you're an idiot for copying them in the first place.

In a decade's time a packet of twenty cigarettes will cost an astonishing £87.50 and smoking will be viewed with the same level of incredulity and abhorrence usually reserved for people loitering outside school playgrounds with their dicks hanging out... probably.

See also tabs and fags.