|A lady celebrating Tit Monday|
The first day of Summer that a lady decides it is warm enough to wear something skimpy.
"Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Dart, or sitting on the Luas, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat.
And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy.For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk.
Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road... And you know it is nearly summer.
For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday. Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year),so that when they're all standing outside your local after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples. So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps."
A few points
- At the end of Tit Monday, the new-found glee that the population discovers with the weather is translated into a desire to do more with their time. After work, it is common that many people will, perhaps, go for some after-work drinks or possibly even hold an impromptu barbecue. However, as the first sign of warmth is only a mere indicator of weather to come, it doesn't last long. Indeed, come 7pm the bright day will have dropped a few degrees and a significant chill will catch all those partaking in the festivities.
- The initial rush to enjoy the weather means many ladies concentrate solely on the summer garb, and are therefore unequipped to deal with the cold. This is evidenced by an outbreak of Bruce Lees in the early evening. This event only happens once. Next time, that year's warning will have been sounded and a supply of thin, yet warm cardigans will be available to all members of the female species from a variety of handbags and car boots, thus masking the subsequent Nippon problem.
- Avid ornithologists take care to make the most of Tit Monday, as it is likely to be the only opportunity to view the Pointy-Ended Tit in such vast quantities until the following year, when the lessons learned this time around are forgotten and the cycle of nature can begin again.
- It has been hypothesised (in the pub, over several pints obviously) that hot women are solar powered. You hardly see any till the sun comes and next thing you know you're thigh deep in babes. Something to look for when checking out those boobies ... are they in fact solar collectors?