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Tools

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Among the many tools used by the skilled REME Tradesman are:


Drill Press

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your brew across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted aircraft part you were drying.


Wire Wheel

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."


Cordless Drill

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.


Pliers

Used to round off bolt heads.


Hacksaw

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


Mole Wrench

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


Oxyacetlylene Torch

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.


Whitworth Sockets & Spanners

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.


Hydraulic Jack

Used for lowering an vehicle to the ground after you have installed new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


Long bit of 4 by 2

Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack handle.


Tweezers

A tool for removing wood splinters.


Phone

Tool for calling your Stores Wallah to see if he has another hydraulic jack. Likely to end its life falling into old engine oil, paint or a toilet (if you are a plumber).


E-Z-Out Bolt & Stud Extractor

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.


Angle Grinder

An electric tool designed for those occasions when you need to shoot white hot sparks up your nose or sleeve. Useful if you have been clamped.


2 Tonne Engine Hoist

A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.


Engineers's 1/2 x 16 inch Screwdriver

A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.


Tinsnips

See hacksaw.


Inspection Light

The REME mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 18 pdr shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Somme. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.


Phillips Screwdriver

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


Air Compressor

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 28 years ago by someone at Landrover, and neatly rounds off their heads.


Pry Bar

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part.


Hose Cutter

A tool used to cut hoses too short.


Hammer

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. If you have a hammer, you can attempted any job normally reserved for other tools.


Stanley Knife

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, CDs, liquids in plastic bottles, grumble magazines, cash & cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Also worn as male jewelry by neds.


Fuckit Tool

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage While yelling "FUCKIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.


Expletive

A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

Gimlet

A boring tool.