The British Military Open Encyclopedia - ARRSE-Pedia. Back to British Army Rumour Service Home

Traffing

From ARRSEpedia
Jump to: navigation, search

The holding in of a Trump until it "disappears" is called "Traffing".

Usually, most squaddies have never had to Traff until they leave the army and have to try to behave like a civvy. My wife still finds it amusing after ten years of marriage when I do comedy trumps - ie pretending to bend over and tie my shoelaces and letting rip, pushing her head under the duvet, walking past her on the sofa and bending over with perfect timing as she looks up. She enjoys it even more if I do a five finger spread so she can watch my ringmuskel vibrate, observing how the wavelength off my ricker affects the frequency, and hence changing pitch in a perfect fleshy example of v=fxL. Trumping is indeed a science, and like Newtons Laws, most of the populace understand the rudimentaries of the laws, and they must obey them, however many do not understand the exact physics. "I trump, therefore I am."

So where does the Trump go? The Trump does not dissipate, a Trump is unable to obey Boyles law, and although a Trump is a gas (and therefore lighter than solid faeces); common sense dictates that it should rise back up your colon, through your digestive tract and back out the top end. This does not in fact happen, as the Trump is simply unable to do so due to large, strong muscles inside your stomach, known in the trade as TTNRV Muscles - Turd/Trump Non-Return Valves. It is therefore dangerous to Traff indefinitely, for three reasons.

  • Trumps are flammable, and Traffing for extended periods of time will cause a build up of Trump Gas. This can obviously be dangerous upon eventual release if you are near a naked flame.
  • Even if you are not near a naked flame upon eventual release, a large volume of Trump Gas, being angrier than normal air, will displace the Oxygen in the room and can cause suffocation, similar to the symptoms of Carbon Monoxide poisoning, only browner.
  • If you are an anal virgin, and under the age of thirty, your sphincter should be a gas tight seal. You may think you can Traff indefinitely, however your TTNRV muscle will be the first to fail and the Trump will cause massive internal injuries to your more delicate organs; resulting in a swift death.

I once successfully Traffed a fart all the way from Manchester Piccadilly to Bristol Temple Meads when I was sat opposite a rather fine filly. I didn't cop off with her, but the resultant explosion in Trap Six at the toilets on Platform Three when I was lighting a Bum Cigar is a scene I never want to relive again.

You have been warned.

Original thread here.

libraryimage.jpg Find out more in the Dictionary