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Unarmed Combat

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Basic shoeing for beginners

Generic term used to describe a varied range of specific disciplines that all have a single and common aim: to deliver a total and utter shoeing to one's opponent without the aid of heavy weapons or close air support.

Martial arts fall in to two basic categories:

  • Full contact. This includes the classics such as Tae Kwon Do, Karate, Judo, Jujitsu and Aikido.
  • Mincing and posturing. This ranges from line dancing in pyjamas (Tai Chi) to rearranging the beer tins in your fridge - to better harness the life force energy or something or other (Feng Shui).

Needless to say that merely moving someone's coffee table or relocating their yukka plant will not save you from a beating (as far as the latter category is concerned) - and might even go some way to causing it, but some proficiency in the former most certainly would.

Also known as 'Jap-Slapping', all of the martial arts take considerable time and effort to perfect. You will not achieve anything other than the very basics in etiquette (and knowing how to tie your belt) after two nights at the local dojo; and merely flailing one's arms about outside the chippy (after informing your victim that you're going to administer the mother of all slappings) is asking for trouble - no matter how big a bluffer you are.

That said, when one applies oneself to whichever discipline one has chosen, some quite surprising results can be achieved in a relatively short time.

It would be, however, advisable to get genned up on your subject before gobbing off about your martial prowess. This would, in turn, lend your lies some credibility - and might even get you out of the shit when your hand is called. Best enrol ASAP.

Better still, is to learn your chosen discipline really well for a few years and say bugger all about it when confronted by drunken chavs, thus totally lulling the cnuts into a false sense of security. When your all-out assault is launched on said amoeba it has a much greater surprise element - and therefore true effectiveness - than puffing up your chest, giving them the Thousand-Yard Stare and making statements about his Oedipus-like relationship with his mother.

Contrary to popular belief - and regardless of what the pub walt has told you - members of HM's Armed Forces are not routinely schooled in the martial arts, otherwise Colchester would be strangely peaceful on Friday nights.

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