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Wank

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Sex with someone you truly love! Comes in two sorts: pokey bum and strokey plum.

As with a lot of descriptive adjectives in the English language, the provenence of this word is hard to trace (dictionary compilers being notoriously prudish).

Generally, however:

  • Wank (vb) - to masturbate.
  • Wank (town) - a mountain in Germany that shares borders with Austria and most notably gets loads of stick for obvious reasons.
  • Wanker (adj) - contemptible epithet. Also a slang term for the residents of the just mentioned town.

Derivation

On the subject of onanism generally, the supposed biblical restriction on, "self-abuse," is derived from Genesis 38:

"[8] And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. [9] And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother."

How that became, "Thou shalt not thrudge." is a bit of a mystery.

The verb,"masturbate," is only recorded from 1857 - just in time for Baden-Powell to advise against it in the hilariously named, "Scouting for Boys."

Arguably, wanking has been the single largest motivator for the development of t'internet. Who, after all, would use it if its only function was to search out obscure academic papers?

The Wanking Song

Lyrics by Ivor Bigun

My mother said

that I never should

never play with the naughty rude girls in the wood

Their giggling talk I could never understood

And that's why I fell in love with my right hand


(Chorus)

And that's why

I'm a wanker

I'm a wanker

And does it good like it bloody well should

I'm a wanker

I'm a wanker

And I'm always pulling my pudd


I was 25 years old

before I was kissed

and then I found the guy preferred

a swift one off the wrist

It's cheap and convenient

and you cant catch VD

Its available at anytime and it's absolutely free


(Chorus)

And that's why

I'm a wanker

I'm a wanker

And it does me good like it bloody well should

I'm wanker

I'm a wanker

and I'm always pulling my pudd


Oh Mrs Palm

and your 5 lovely daughters

Thank you for having me

and being oh so kind

I've got pains in my arms

and my donkeys growing shorter


My knees have turned to water

And I think I'm going blind


I've wanked over Italy

I've wanked over Spain

I've wanked in an omibus

I've even had a wank in a train


I've used a badger

and a melon

and a cat

a inflatable Linda Lovelace

and a David Crockett hat


Alternative Terminology

  • Bashing the bishop
  • Bean Flicking (f)
  • Beating the Meat
  • Choking the Chicken
  • DIY
  • Five Knuckle Shuffle
  • Ham Shank
  • Knocking/ Teasing/ Bashing One Out
  • One-in-a-bed Romp
  • Orgy with Palm and her 5 Sisters
  • Polishing the Pocket Rocket
  • Pulling the Head Off It
  • Pulling yer pud
  • Spanking the Monkey
  • Stroking the Salami
  • Strumming
  • Thrapping
  • Tommy Tank
  • Loading the flintlocks - I fcuking coined that term too! ShDrMa, /06/09/11.

See also